Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Habit

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.